Design and Content

Scott is a long-suffering West Ham fan who fondly remembers days with his Dad on the terraces at Upton Park, and not so fondly remembers Samassi Abou donning the famous claret and blue. Brought up in Southend, where he lived opposite stalwart goalkeeper Simon Royce, Scott was in the youth teams of both the Shrimpers and Peterborough before deciding he couldn’t be fucked to compete with Luke Steele anymore and so moved with his parents to Norfolk. Since heading to university in Bolton to study graphic design, Scott has designed for a range of media such as magazines, advertisements, websites and an A3 pub crawl guide sheet, dedicated to Paul getting trollied in Dagenham on his 29th birthday. A keen sportsman, Scott has enjoyed playing football, tennis, cricket and squash all rather well, but is now in his mid thirties and had a child, which put paid to all that tomfoolery. Among Scott’s greatest achievements in football is guiding the made-up Newquay Pheasants to a record season in the National League on FM Mobile 16, after setting every player’s stats to 20 for everything, they steamrollered the league with a goal difference of +237.

10 Irrelevant questions that no-one cares about:

What is your favourite football memory? Christ… my life has been all about football so there is a few to choose from. Saving my first penalty at 9 years old is a fond one. My dad had promised me £25 for my first penalty save and nearly didn’t give it to me as the lad tripped over on run up and scuffed it straight down the middle. I think I had time to ask for the money before the ball arrived at me. I duly spent the cash on Premier Manager for the Mega Drive.

David Moyes or Sam Allardyce? David Moyes… I mean it’s like choosing between aids and Hitler and Trump, but never would Sam Allardyce top a poll of mine. Potato headed twat.

What would be a suitable acronym for VAR? What’s an acronym?

What footballer had god-like status in your eyes? Paulo Di Canio. Without hesitation. Or Tomas Repka.

Did you ever understand the relevance of drinking Bovril at the football? No, but before beer, Bovril was tipple of choice. went lovely with a fruit pastille.

What has been your best ever FM campaign? Again, quite a few to choose from. I won everything imaginable with Rochdale on FM 15, and also managed in my 25 year career to promote Barnet, Exeter and Forest Green to the Premier League. I was responsible for 20% of the Premier League by the time i’d retired.

Name a crap 90s footballer: Ulrich van Gobbel.

What should happen to the 2019/20 football season? It should be completed when we are able to get back to real life. I’d rather see next season delayed than this one cancelled. Far too much at stake. 

Favourite all time football strip, West Ham or otherwise? Southampton away, mid 90s. Tourquoisey blue striped number with the Pony ‘V’ across it. I had one with ‘Le Tissier 7’ on the back that I leant to the aforementioned Luke Steele, and he never gave it back. Stole my position and my clothes.

Do you like your co-founder Paul? In large yes. I didn’t when I had to carry him single handedly back from Blackburn to Blackpool because he had got utterly shit faced at Ewood Park. He also got a large amount of Norwich fans kicked out of a Hungry Horse pub before the game due to relentless singing in what is largely seen as a family chain restaurant.

Words and Nonsense

Despite being born in Kent and having numerous football clubs in close proximity to swear allegiance to, namely Dover Athletic and Snodland FC, Paul somewhat controversially opted for Norwich City upon moving to Norfolk with his family. He has followed them up and down the country ever since (Norwich, not his family), with trips to Exeter, Gillingham and Barnsley particular highlights. A gifted left back, Paul couldn’t decide which was his strongest foot, so chose neither. He was last seen drinking Smirnoff Ice at an under 14s football presentation and was subsequently banned from playing ever again, paving the way for lesser footballing mortals such as Ashley Cole and Ben Chilwell to inadequately fill the gaping void. The footballing community will forever wonder, ‘what could have been’. Among Paul’s greatest achievements, becoming an emo and getting his eyebrow and lip pierced are particularly memorable. A Football Manager legend, his greatness has been immortalised with statues on several occasions… piercings and all.  

10 Irrelevant questions that no-one cares about:

What is your favourite Newcastle player of the Premier League era? Hard question, as they’ve had many greats over the years – Ginola, Shearer, Ferdinand all spring to mind, but my undoubted favourite is Barry Venison. Totally nothing to do with his flowing blonde mullet…

Best Norwich away day? My overall away record is pretty poor, so any win or even late draw has been met with rapturous celebration and drunken debauchery; but there are two that stick in my mind. A 1-0 win away at Ipswich a couple of years ago when James Maddison scored a winner was pretty special, and the 4-1 win away at Blackburn at the start of the 2016/17 season was an amazing sun-soaked opening day win where we all thought we would stroll the league. We finished 9th.

Whose your favourite Adrian – Coote or Forbes? Another tough one…Forbes was famed at Carrow Road for running about 150metres across the pitch and throwing himself into a ridiculous siding tackle, and is an all round bloody nice bloke. Coote I played against when he played for Corinthians (a small pub team in Norfolk). Despite having played up front for Northern Ireland 9 times, he was in goal for a pub team and had put on about 12 stone. On balance, I’m going Forbes.

Shaun Carey, Daryl Sutch, Iwan Roberts – shag, marry, avoid? I’d definitely shag Shaun Carey. I mean, I wouldn’t definitely shag him, I would just choose him out of the three. Based on the fact he had curly black locks and I reckon post-shag he would light a marlboro red and then fuck off into the night. Sutchy was loyal to Norwich for over 15 years, so I would marry him; he would stick by me even in the tough times. I wouldn’t necessarily avoid Iwan Roberts, he was a cult hero, but I feel the lack of teeth may at times cause me to resent our marriage. Or sex.

What is the optimum amount of chewed Fruit Pastille to adhere a Cedric Anselin banner to a brick wall? Ha! Great question. For readers, this relates to the time when I held up a banner at Norwich City FC which I had made during a Year 10 Art lesson. It simply said ‘Bring back Anselin,’ showing my teenage angst for then-manager Bruce Rioch at dropping the French midfield maestro. Unfortunately, I had neglected to bring any sort of adhesive and the only way we could stick it up was to use some chewed fruit pastilles… the sign never stuck, and Anselin never played for the Canaries again. If only I had remembered the blu-tac.

What has been your best ever FM campaign? I used to love a Monaco game on CM 97/98. Then I had a great game with a uni housemate where he was Juventus and I was Sampdoria, we had a ding-dong battle for years for the Serie A title. Now I play FM mobile, and was manager of Vitesse Arnhem for 30 years, winning 25 Eredivise titles, 19 champions leagues and a load more trophies, before having the stadium named after me. The after the 30 years, they retired me, or perhaps I died. Who knows?

Name a crap 90s footballer: Gary Penrice.

Would you rather fight 1 Harry Kane sized duck, or 100 duck sized Harry Kanes? Probably a singular Harry Kane sized duck. The thought of 100 tiny Harry Kane’s pecking at my feet is really quite terrifying.

Favourite all time football strip, Norwich or otherwise? I love the England 1990 world cup shirt, and in particular the iconic nature of Gascoigne’s number 19 shirt. I loved its design and the fact names weren’t on the back of shirts. I don’t have a real version of it, but I have a replica.

Do you fancy your co-founder Scott? Fancy is a bit strong, but given we have shared a double bed on numerous occasions when we have either mis-booked a hotel room, or been too drunk to realise what we are doing, there is probably an underbelly of love and sexual tension. Let’s leave it there.

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