The Premier League: Some things we learned this week

Here’s the next installment of Headers & Volleys alternative look at the Premier League table. This week, Wele, Shave those sideburns, New York • Paris • Stoke, La Cosa Scousa and Sack Steve Kean?

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Wele

Manchester United       Pl 4 W 4 GD +15 Pts 12

Not one for exaggeration or hyperbole, Sir Alex Ferguson this week described Wayne Rooney as the ‘White Pele’. This must come as some relief to Rooney’s wife Coleen as well guaranteeing respite to slappers and whores the length and breadth of the country.

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The Mancini way

Manchester City           Pl 4 W 4 GD +12 Pts 12

Edin Dzeko was relegated to the stands as City welcomed Wigan Athletic to the Etihad this week. Rumour has it that Sergio Aguero is next for the chop following Mancini’s disgust at his free scoring ways going against the ethos the Italian has attempted to instil in his team of millionaires.

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Shave those sideburns

Chelsea                                   Pl 4 W 3 D 1 GD +4 Pts 10

The secret origin of Raul Meireles’ bizarre haircut can, for the first time be exclusively revealed here on Headers & Volleys. Manager Andre Villas-Boas has reportedly been overheard demanding Meireles “shave those sideburns”. Meireles has confided in friends that he fears for his place in the team.

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Ashley vindicated

Newcastle                    Pl 4 W 2 D 2 GD +2 Pts 8

Owner Mike Ashley, speaking through his slave Alan Pardew today declared, following the draw with QPR, that his decision to sell midfielder Joey Barton had been shown to be the correct one. “Do you see my loyal subjects. Barton’s powers are no more. He did not score or create anything of note against our mighty armies.” The powerful North-East overlord then lashed out in fury striking down Peter Beardsley following a message sent via the Dark Lord’s messenger Derek Llambias, from the rebel supporters. It read; “Whilst Barton had indeed not scored, Newcastle however had only created one chance in the entirety of the match.”

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New York • Paris • Stoke

Stoke                           Pl 4 W 2 D 2 GD +2 Pts 8

Many people have questioned how Tony Pulis had convinced England International Peter Crouch to sign for his team.  It would appear the player has been made some ambitious promises:

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La Cosa Scousa

Liverpool                     Pl 4 W 2 D 1 L 1 GD +3 Pts 7

Kenny Dalglish seemed to be on the verge of making the referees association – or whatever they’re called – an offer they couldn’t refuse as he talked of “trying to be respectful” and a duty to “his bosses and the fans”. In an unrelated incident, police were called to the house of Mike Dean yesterday after the referee awoke to find the severed head of Stoke City mascot Pottermus staring back at him, eyes dull and lifeless.

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Thirty-four games to go

Wolves                         Pl 4 W 2 D 1 L 1 GD +2 Pts 7

Mick McCarthy was a relieved man following his side’s 2-0 defeat at the hands of a resurgent Spurs team. “34 games to go. Mustn’t get ahead of ourselves, but I really think that this loss will get our season right back on track. We just weren’t at the races today, and I wanna see more of the same for the next few games, just so we drop back down to where we’re supposed to be”.

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Boring Boring Birmingh… Villa

Aston Villa                   Pl 4 W 1 D 3 GD +2 Pts 6

In a week of further disappointment for scandal merchants, Villa again didn’t lose and Alex McLeish is still yet to be exposed as the most elaborate under-cover agent since Mata Hari, as the Villans continued their unbeaten start to the season. They did however escape sanction from the Premier League by not losing to Everton before Christmas.

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Genius or madman?

Wigan                          Pl 4 W 1 D 2 L 1 GD -1 Pts 5

We have been relatively unyielding in our exposure of the insanity of Wigan manager Roberto Martinez in recent weeks. So it is, with no small iota of shame, that Headers & Volleys has now been forced to admit, that we were wrong. It appears indeed that Martinez is, in fact, a genius not a madman. A fine line of course, however we owe our enlightenment in this matter to the superb Run of Play.

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Don’t win at all costs

Everton                        Pl 3 W1 D 1 L 1 GD 0 Pts 4

Following a complaint to the FA regarding Blackburn breaking unwritten FA rules and actually losing to Everton last week, the club were apparently reprieved when Toffees boss David Moyes publically apologised to the Indo-Lancastrian Chicken Farmers saying “We made a mistake. It’s very unlike us and it won’t happen again. I take full responsibility. We think the reason for the victory is the players actually listening to what I’m telling them. I guarantee, this is not something we encourage until at least Boxing Day and we don’t intend on repeating the exercise.”

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Real strikers don’t score goals

QPR                             Pl 4 W 1 D 1 L 2 GD -5 Pts 3

After his side’s game on Monday Neil Warnock chuckled to BBC Radio 5“I really enjoyed the game, that’s what football is about – excitement,” following QPR’s thrilling nil-nil with Newcastle. “I just love watching strikers who couldn’t score in a brothel and players in general who just can’t control or pass the ball.”

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Three points secured, that’s three less to lose

Arsenal                                    Pl 4 W 1 D 1 L 2 GD -7 Pts 4

Arsene Wenger was under great scrutiny this past weekend and his late summer signings, at odds with his usual transfer dealings, were even more in the spotlight as we waited to see how they would adapt to life at The Emirates. Thankfully for Wenger, two players really did make the difference for the Gunners in the victory over lowly Swansea: Michel Vorm and Danny Graham.

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First win for Woy

West Brom                   Pl 4 W 1 L 3 GD -2 Pts 3

Following his side’s first victory of the season, Roy Hodgson stormed out of the post-match press conference when asked by one of the baying dingoes about the form of Dorrans, Shorey, Morrison and Chris Brunt. He was last heard shouting “I just want to talk about Odemwingie for f***s sake”.

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Kevin Davies is the complete player

Bolton                          Pl 4 W1 L3 GD -4 Pts 3

Following a crushing defeat to Manchester United, Kevin Davies was lauded for his versatility. One football pundit, so impressed with his all-round display gushed “Well I knew he could elbow people and that he had shirt pulling down to a fine art. What I didn’t realise was that the boy could tackle in the manner of his tackle on young Tom Cleverley. You have to hand it to the big man, he really did a number on that young whipper-snapper.”

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Money can’t buy you goals

Tottenham                   Pl 3 W 1 L 2 GD -5 Pts 0

‘arry Redknapp declared himself delighted with the signing of Emmanuel Adebayor after the former Real Madrid, Man City and Arsenal striker scored on his debut. “That’s what you want, Big Man, Little Man partnership – Laaahvely. You couldn’t buy it. Well ya can’t can ya, ‘e’s on loan ain’t he. What? Yeah little man, big man, nah not like Crouch, like Adebadebayor ain’t it. Bleedin’ ‘ell, I’m not a f***in’ statistical f***in’ analyst, I’m a f***in football f***in’ manager and I’m telling ya, ya can’t buy a partnership like that. Well, I say that, I’m sure I can sort somefing out, if ya got a monkey that is”

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Cloud computing

Sunderland                  Pl 3 D 2 L 2 GD -2 Pts 2

The big news at the Stadium of Light this week has centred on Asamoah Gyan’s move to the United Arab Emirates. According to the player and his representatives, the reason for the move has centred on the work being done in the region to create artificial clouds in time for the Qatari World Cup in 2022. Steve Bruce was effusive in his honesty on the matter, whispering “Wor we just cannae compete with that, like. The boy’s got an interest in clouds, his head’s always up in them. If I’m honest, I don’t expect us ever to be able to offer anything other than real, rain-filled grey clouds up here on wor Wearside.”

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Lambert liable for an FA charge

Norwich                       Pl 4 D 2 L 1 GD -3 Pts 2

Manager Paul Lambert allowed his emotions to boil over with frustration following Norwich’s defeat at home to West Brom. Asked about Gabriel Tamas’ assault on James Vaughan which went unpunished at the time, the former Dortmund player fumed “… … … *** *** *** … *** …”. The FA have confirmed they will be investigating the Norwich manager’s comments in full and will take appropriate actions if the Scotsman is seen to have brought the game into disrepute.

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Edgar Davids’ voice double

Fulham                                    Pl 4 D 2 L 2 GD -3 Pts 2

An improved performance in Fulham’s 8,017^th outing of the season saw Fulham secure a valuable draw against bottom of the league Blackburn. In other news, Martin Jol has been revealed to be the voice of Edgar Davids. Jol has been seen standing backstage at various sponsored events on the after-dinner circuit, hidden, speaking into a microphone and providing the speech for Davids to address the attendees.

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Who needs goals

Swansea                      Pl 3 D 2 L 2 GD -5 Pts 2

It has been agreed by the Football Association in association with the Oxford Dictionary committee to add a new definition to the word ‘plucky’ in honour of Swansea City:

pluck·y/ˈpləkē/

Adjective: Having or showing determined courage in the face of difficulties, or, being unable to score goals leading to inevitable relegation.

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Sack Steve Kean?

Blackburn                    Pl 4 D 1 L 3 GD -4 Pts 1

We were going to write something witty about the online campaign to get Steve Kean sacked so we did some research. We visited roversrevisited.brfcs.co.uk and found this really good article. And then we saw the banner at the top of the screen and realised sometimes, a picture really is worth a thousand words.