Here’s the next installment of Headers & Volleys alternative look at the Premier League table. This week, Geographically speaking, The Perfect Game, He killed them with their love, What’s in a striker?, Efficiency not productivity the key and of course, the latest instalment of Who is Martin Jol?

Tune in later today for our window watch where we will probably watch a window.

Manchester United Pl 3 W 3 GD +10 Pts 9

I’m taking my ball, and my kids…

Sir Alex Ferguson admitted that he understood entirely Arsene Wenger’s struggles to blood youngsters into a successful and winning team. “It took me around three minutes to get these players integrated. All I said was, ‘if you want to live, come with me’. They seemed to get the gist relatively quickly but you have to understand, Wenger’s only had six years. He needs time…”

Manchester City Pl 3 W 3 GD +9 Pts 9

Geographically speaking

Carlos Tevez was delighted this week after his manager Roberto Mancini granted him his wish to move him closer to his family. The benches at the Etihad City of Manchester Eastlands stadium have reportedly been proven to be closer, in an alphabetical sense, to Buenos Aires, than the pitch. So says that bastion of geographical reference, Robbie Savage.

Liverpool Pl 3 W 2 D 1 GD +4 Pts 7

The Fall of Dalglish

Kenny Dalglish put a call in to under-fire friend Arsene Wenger this week, with some words of timely advice: “All you need to do is spend; spend it on a £35m lump up front, spend it on a £20m midfielder who’s barely worth sixpence, ach, spend it on fat Scottish midfielder who can only kick it when the ball’s not moving if you really want – you just got to spend Arsene-lad.”

Chelsea Pl 3 W 2 D 1 GD +3 Pts 7

Anyone fancy a Tuesday night at Stamford Bridge?

Andre Villainous-Bore further enhanced his reputation at his new club with a stutteringly functional victory against “plucky” Norwich. He described his inspirations as Graham Taylor, Tony Pulis, and of course, the incomparable Steve Bruce: “I don’t just want strikers who score goals. I’d much rather have a team who scrape together a goal here or there but can defend a set-piece, than a team with a front-man who is there to bang in 30 goals a season. I’m learning quickly that is not what Chelsea are about and I think our early performances have demonstrated that”.

Wolves Pl 3 W 2 D 1 GD +3 Pts 7

The Perfect Game

As his team finished goalless with Aston Villa, Mick McCarthy’s delight was somewhat tempered. “That there was exactly how the beautiful game should be played, with both teams entirely cancelling each other out. That’s when you know that you’re doing the right things. I’m still gutted though; gutted. What’s the point in being in this profession unless you can count on a relegation dogfight to get the blood pumping and flush those clogging arteries right out.”

Newcastle Pl 3 W 2 D 1 GD +2 Pts 7

Everything’s gonna be aaaaaaaaalright

With sheer outrageous manipulation, Malevolent Mike and Despicable Derek have, in one fell swoop glued back together the shattered fragments of the Toon Army’s faith. With the purchase of a one-time ‘next Paolo Maldini’ in Davide Santon, coupled with the continuing impressive displays of another summer signing, Yohann Cabaye, Ambiguous Alan’s team have secured seven points from a possible nine so far this term. “Excellent Derek. Watch how they rejoice at the victory of their heroes. This is perfect. Better than perfect.” spake the malevolent one. “What nexsssssssst Massssssster?”, uttered the despicable. “Next, Derek, we sacrifice Nolberto Solano in the centre circle on match day.”

Aston Villa Pl 3 W 1 D 2 GD +2 Pts 5

He killed them with their love

Alex McLeish’s tough disciplinary nature took a turn for the perverse this week when, taking a leaf from the film The Green Mile, Big Eck told Emile Heskey that unless he scored, he was being put in the hole – meaning 24 hours of solitary confinement. Sadly, Heskey never saw Michael Clarke Duncan’s stellar performance, so misunderstood the instruction and versus Wolverhampton, dropped deep all match to play as a chunky number 10. Late in the game the exhausted Heskey signalled to the touchline to be subbed. Pouring with sweat, he staggered toward the touchline with Big Eck asking ‘why?’ “Awful tired now, boss. Dog tired.” Heskey mumbled.

Wigan Pl 3 W 1 D 2 GD +2 Pts 5

Franco Di Whatnow?

Things took a turn for the worse with manager Roberto Martinez this week as he was sectioned under the mental health act following his side’s 2-0 win over QPR. His psychiatrist was ‘quoted’ as saying “It was all just too much for his fragile state of mind when Franco Di Santo scored his second of the match and fourth goal in only three seasons.” As the ball hit the back of the net, Martinez froze, staring at his palm and whispering, “ssshhh Charles, we can’t let Villa know you’ve come back” before hauling off his two-goal striker with the promise of a one-way trip to Birmingham apparently placating the hat-trick-chasing forward.

Stoke Pl 3 W 1 D 2 GD +1 Pts 5

Defensive woes

Tony Pulis has looked to strengthen his already robust defence this week, with the signing of Cameron Jerome and the continued pursuit of Peter Crouch. Following a summer where a move for Carlton Cole was scuppered, one can only assume the next mooted target will be Birmingham’s Nikola Zigic. Nicklas Bendtner has also reportedly expressed an interest in not banging in the goals for the Potters.

Bolton Pl 3 W 1 L 2 GD +1 Pts 3

Efficiency not productivity the key

Despite defeat at the hands of Kenny Dalglish’s Liverpool, Owen Coyle remained upbeat about his team’s chances this season. “Ivan Klasnic has run a total of six centimetres since the beginning of the season and scored three goals. That’s two centimetres per goal for the so-called statisticians out there. If we can increase his productivity by around 100% and have him run at least four centimetres per game, he should score at least 72 goals this term”.

Everton Pl 2 W 1 L 1 GD 0 Pts 3

Points? What points?

The Toffees recorded their first points of the season this week with a searing victory against newly promoted QPR. Bill Kenwright swiftly sold these points to Hull in a cut price deal which resulted in a tonne of decomposing fish being deposited in the Mersey. “We’ve got to sell before we can buy” he informed the stunned press pack.

QPR Pl 3 W 1 L 2 GD -5 Pts 3

Always look on the bright side of life

Manager Neil Warnock was back in happy mode again after losing to Wigan: “I’m pleased with the effort they put in today. I thought they were fantastic and I told them I couldn’t ask for more. If we’d scored first and they hadn’t scored, or if they had scored, we scored again… or if they’d scored two, we’d scored three… basically, if we had scored more than we had conceded today, I’m telling ya, we’d have been in with a pretty good shout of winning that game.”

Sunderland Pl 3 D 2 L 1 GD -1 Pts 2

What’s in a striker?

Following his team’s League Cup defeat whilst fielding no recognised strikers, manager Steve Bruce whispered “well if it works for wor Barca, wor don’t see why it can’t work for us” before offering main goal threat Asamoah Gyan to every club in Turkey whispering “he’s just not in our plans for a goalless season”.

Norwich Pl 3 D 2 L 1 GD -2 Pts 2

Norwich City FC rebranded as “Plucky Little Norwich City FC”

The Canaries almost stunned Chelsea this weekend before finally capitulating in a 3-1 defeat. Striker Grant Holt was singled out for particular praise by his manager when Paul Lambert, effusively declared his captain’s performance as “… … … …” before describing his superbly executed goal as akin to “… … …”.

Swansea Pl 3 D 2 L 1 GD -4 Pts 2

Welsh altruism

Swansea continued their quest to prove that the English Premier League is only suitable for teams from England by refusing the offer of a victory against struggling Sunderland. “Despite the very kind offer from Steve Bruce, it wouldn’t be right if we took more than one point in Wales from a team that, technically, whilst very Northern, is still English” said manager Brendan Rodgers.

Fulham Pl 3 D 1 L 2 GD -3 Pts 1

SIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIDWEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEELL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

In our ongoing quest to uncover the true identity of Martin Jol, this week, we think we may have struck, err, yellow.

 

 

 

 

 

Arsenal Pl 3 D 1 L 2 GD -8 Pts 1

Total Football

Arsenal were so determined this weekend to perform like a Barcelona-lite, that against United they played with no defenders or forwards. The ‘Man of the Match’ award however unjustifiably missed the outstanding contribution of Gunners’ midfielder Wojciech Szczesny.

West Brom Pl 3 L 3 GD -3 Pts 0

We’re gonna score one less than you

Following a third straight one goal defeat this weekend, Roy Hodgson declared, “Consistency is the key. We’ve been hugely consistent so far this season, all we need to do is become more consistent and further consistency will obviously follow.”

Blackburn Rovers Pl 3 L 3 GD -4 Pts 0

Flouting the laws, breaking the rules

Blackburn are this week under investigation by the Premier League and could be docked 3 points if found guilty of actually losing to Everton in August. All the evidence from Saturday’s game indeed points to an away win, in direct contravention of Premier League rules which state that under no circumstances are Everton allowed to win a game this early in the season. Could Blackburn be the first team to be relegated on -3 points come May?

Tottenham Pl 2 L 2 GD -7 Pts 0

Niall Dzeko and Joe Jordan goes for ‘air implants

‘arry Redknapp’s boys were exposed as the worst team in the league this weekend when they allowed Edin ‘don’t call me Niall Quinn’ Dzeko to score four past them. ‘arry responded by saying “e’s not f***in’ Niall Quinn, e’s f***in Bosnian ain’t he? I’m not f***in’ Bosnian, I’m a f***in’ football f***in’ manager. I can do you a decent deal on Joe Jordan’s old toupee though – ‘e don’t use it. It’s yours for a monkey”.