Here’s the next installment of Headers & Volleys alternative look at the Premier League table. This week, You can’t win anything with kids…, Kick a man whilst he’s down why don’t ya?, Just don’t tell Roman, What week is this? along with the latest installment of Just who is… Martin Jol?

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City pay player fortune SHOCK

1. MANCHESTER CITY – PL 2 W 2 PTS 6 GD +5

Manchester City continued their bargain basement shopping spree by adding Samir Nasri to their up-and-coming, frugally compiled sq… what’s that? They’re paying him HOW MUCH?

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You can’t win anything with kids…

2. MANCHESTER UNITED - PL 2 W 2 PTS 6 GD +4

On Monday night, Danny Welbeck and Tom Cleverley staked their claims to be positioned at the vanguard of United’s latest youth revolution. Sir Alex Ferguson has thus far resisted comparing his situation with the plight of long time adversary Arsene Wenger. Rumour has it he has instead taken to ordering prank pizzas to the Arsenal manager’s house, under the name of Cesc.

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Mick McCarthy unleashes optimism

3. WOLVERHAMPTON WANDERERS – PL 2 W 2 PTS 6 GD +4

Mick McCarthy was delighted this week as one of his strikers and one of his wingers, each scored. Roger Johnson only once ventured past the halfway line but quickly returned when he seemed to get some kind of electric shock inside his head.

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Big Eck not lynched on home debut

4. ASTON VILLA - PL 2 W 1 D 1 PTS 4 GD +2

As Alex McLeish celebrated the unusual occurrence of “all his strikers scoring”*, we are prompted to ask again, how exactly has Emile Heskey forged a career in football?

*see Match of the Day for more (superfluous) details.

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Kick a man whilst he’s down why don’t ya?

5. LIVERPOOL - PL 2 W 1 D 1 PTS 4 GD +2

King Kenneth of Merseyside this week insisted that he was friendly with Arsene Wenger, before instructing Lucas to disgracefully attack Emmanuel Frimpong’s studs with his shin, resulting in the twittering young midfielder’s dismissal. The tactical genius of the Liverpool manager then shone through as he sent on two attacking players when his adversary’s team was reduced to ten men. Still got it…

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Just don’t tell Roman

6. CHELSEA - PL 2 W 1 D 1 PTS 4 GD +1

Manager Aston Villa-Feather-Boas this week recorded his first victory as manager of Roman Abramovich’s expectations, when he finally managed to prise fifty million pounds worth of leaden footed Spaniard from the field to send on a striker who might actually score.

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Snatching defeat from the jaws of victory

7. NEWCASTLE UNITED - PL 2 W 1 D 1 PTS 4 GD +1

After defeating their deadly rivals Sunderland in an truly exhilarating North East derby stocked with full blooded tackles, a sensational free-kick goal and a sending off, Newcastle returned to form by allowing influential midfielder to speak with QPR. The trigger point appears to have been Joey Barton’s inclination to starting a blog. The Barton Blog – what could pussiblee go wrang?

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Normal service resumes

8. BOLTON WANDERERS - PL 2 W 1 L 1 PTS 3 GD +3

We told you to print it, didn’t we? Ay? Didn’t we? Seeing as Bolton’s adventure as the best team in the land (after one game) was so short lived, here’s a link to last week’s instalment. Now make sure you print as we’re not going to do this every week…

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You’d let him run your football club, but would you buy a six year old Volvo from him?

Great news this week for fans of The Hoops as new owner Tony Fernandes dropped ticket prices, guaranteed a significant refund for season ticket holders and lodged bids for Scott Parker and Joey Barton. Apparently however, they will not offer refunds every time captain Adel Taarabt has a shocker. “We need some kind of income after all” he probably said.

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Don’t mention the Dons

10. NORWICH CITY - PL 2 D 2 PTS 2 GD 0

Paul Lambert was apoplectic at referee Neil Swarbrick’s decision to send off Leon Barnett and award Stoke a penalty. Clearly in a rage when he spoke to our reporter, he said: “… … …”. When asked to clarify his earlier statement, he later fumed “… …”.

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Injuries shake Pulis’ fragile state of mind

11. STOKE CITY - PL 2 D 2 PTS 2 GD 0

Following another Premier League draw and injuries to key players Matthew Etherington and Rory Delap ahead of tonight’s Europa League clash with FC Thun, Tony Pulis did what any self-respecting manager would do to inject some creativity and skill into his team: Submit an £8m bid for Wilson Palacios.

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Martinez comes home

12. WIGAN ATHLETIC - PL 2 D 2 PTS 2 GD -0

Wigan supremo Roberto Martinez returned this weekend to his alma mata in Swansea, again against the advice of his psychiatrist. As the game finished, he was seen jogging in an anti-clockwise fashion in his underpants, singing a song about Jason Scotland beating up Charles N’Zogbia. He then proceeded to weep openly.

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If you don’t score goals

13. SUNDERLAND - PL 2 D 1 L 1 PTS 1 GD -1

Seemingly inspired by his friend and mentor Neil Warnock, Steve Bruce gave an insight into his management processes after his team went down 1-0 to local rivals Newcastle: “Wor, if ye don’t score goals and  wor ye concede some, wor you’re not gonna win” Brucie whispered. He followed this up on Tuesday by fielding a team with no recognised strikers and, proving his point entirely, losing to Brighton after extra time.

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The Frimpong Strikes Back and Wenger’s fear

14. ARSENAL - PL 2 D 1 L 1 PTS 1 GD -2

First, Emmanuel Frimpong was sent-off for a ridiculous challenge on Liverpool’s Lucas. Then, following his early bath and bedtime, a twitter argument ensued with estranged Arsenal fan Piers Morgan. Joey Barton is thought to be readying his legal team to lodge proceedings for infringement on his trademarked personality traits. Oh, and Wenger’s a big irrational fraidy cat. Also – and this pure conjecture at this stage – Arsenal played well on Wednesday night. We are awaiting official confirmation of this potentially libellous rumour.

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Just who is… Martin Jol?

15. FULHAM - PL 2 D 1 L 1 PTS 1 GD -2

As Martin Jol celebrates his 400^th game in charge of Fulham, questions abound as to who he really is. Some say, he’s The Stig. Which is frankly ridiculous. We personally think he’s Tony Soprano;

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A ‘home’, ‘English’ Premier League debut

16. SWANSEA CITY - PL 2 D 1 L 1 PTS 1 GD -4

Swansea became the first team to host an ENGLISH Premier League game outside of ENGLAND. Their thrilling nil-nil draw with former manager Roberto Martinez’s Wigan should serve as a cautionary tale to those – like Celtic, or Rangers – who continue to lobby for Scotland’s Old Firm to be allowed to join The Bestest League in the World Ever Ever^TM. Sky reportedly declined to exercise their rights for this match, stating before the game, “Our customers like goals and we like to give them what they want, which is why we won’t be showing Swansea vs Wigan.”

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Start as you don’t mean to go on

17. EVERTON - PL 1 L 1 PTS 0 GD -1

Another team who have resumed normal service this week, by losing early in the season only (we assume) to pick up astonishingly good results in the second half of the campaign. Moyes is also thought to have offered Bill Kenwright to Leicester City for £3m. Sven is currently considering negotiating the fee upwards.

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If they play like this all season…

18. WEST BROMWICH ALBION - PL 2 L 2 PTS 0 GD -2

…then Woy’s Boys will be welegated. Unlucky against Chelsea. Unlucky against United. Woy must be delighted he’s no longer at Liverpool who suffered so badly with luck during his tenure and who incidentally now sit fifth under Kenny Dalglish.

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Just like watching the Arsenal

19. BLACKBURN ROVERS - PL 2 L 2 PTS 0 GD -2

As Arsenal lose players to more attractive teams with greater prospects, so the trend has migrated northward towards Lancashire. Brett Emerton today completed his transfer to Sydney FC of the Australian A-League.

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What week is this?

20. TOTTENHAM HOTSPUR - PL 1 L 1 PTS 0 GD -3

During a post match interview with Sky’s Geoff Shreeves, our ‘arry was asked whether Brad Friedel was now to be considered his number one for the rest of the season. ‘arry responded; “’ow do I know what will ‘appen next week? Do you know what will ‘appen next week? I’m not Mystic f***in’ wheeler f***in’ dealer f***in’ Meg. I’m a football manager. I tell you one fing though, I’ve got this little Croatian fella right. ‘e’s yours for a monkey, just don’t tell the guvnor.”

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